SHARK'S CAVE

aka Bermudas : La Cueva De Los Tiburones (Es), Bermude: la fossa maledetta (I), Bermudes: triangle de l'enfer (Fr), Haie am Todesriff (WG)
1977
Italy/Spain
aka
Amanecer Films (Madrid), Belma Cinematografica, Koala Cinematografica
Director : Anthony Richmond [Tonino Ricci]
Script : Fernando Galiana, Manrico Melchiore, Tonino Ricci
Music : Stelvio Cipriani
Cinematography : Blasco Giurato
Cast : Andres Garcia (Andres Montoya), Janet Agren (Angelica), Pino Colizzi (Enrique), Arthur Kennnedy (Jackson), Maximo Valverde (Dr Riccardo Montoya), Cinzia Monreale (Maria), Adriana Falco, Sergio Doria (pilot), Oscar Alvares, Sergio Sinceri (2nd pilot), Nino Segurini (doctor), Angelo Calligaris

Despite the implications of the title, this is more of a pseudo (if not sub-pseudo) scientific doodle based upon the legend of the Bermuda triangle. Yes, that mysterious area of the ocean that causes compasses to swing wildly motors to fail and semi-spasticated hippies to leap mindlessly from their berths. This whole caboodle is so resolutely seventies that it leaves you suffering from a form of sensory overload - flashbacks of flares and oversized wing collars make you duck away from nothing for hours after viewing this.

Andreas (Andres Garcia) is an unfortunate victim of the cursed seas. After disappearing for six months he returns with no memory and in a state of shock. He soon recovers his health, much to the consternation of his brother Riccardo (Maximo Valverde), who had been trying to cultivate his friendship with Angelica (Janet Agren), Andreas's fiancée. His lack of success is hardly suprising considering that he is probably the butt-ugliest creature to have ever walked on God's earth.

The action begins with Arthur Kennedy wandering into the proceedings, looking as though he is both suffering from sunstroke and the after-effects of one two many bacardi and coke. It is his job to recover - illegally - a certain black box from a certain crashed plane, so he hires Andreas and a disposable friend as divers. Instead of recovering the goods, however, they come across a large cave in which an alarming amount of sharks appear to be asleep. And we all know why Jaws don't kip, don't we. This is not the only strange phenomena present, moreover, as there are also some pulsating green lights and a ludicrous pin-headed alien which makes zinging noises with it's eyeballs.

Not to put too fine a point on it, Shark's Cave is abysmal. Director Ricci is obviously a man of wide interests, witness his Cross Current (Omicide a termine di legge, 72), a powerboating giallo (?!?) and Night of the Sharks (Notte degli squali, 86). He has also helmed such titles as Rush (83) and Panic (Panico, 81) and - even if the oceanographical link is inapplicable - one binding factor is that they are all absolute crap. I have no hesitation in placing him squarely in the dunces' corner of Italian directors, along with such drivelmeisters as Osvaldo Civirani and Andrea Bianchi.

Then again, the script he had to work with wasn't exactly inspirational, being an incredibly puerile reworking of already childish speculations. It can't decide whether it wants to be a crime thriller or science-fiction, so we are subjected to endless fist-fights intruding upon the narrative, and endless underwater scenes detracting from the action (which is uninvolving at best when it does occur).

No one comes out of this particularly well. No, make that no one comes out of this with even the merest hint of dignity. Janet Agren looks, for some reason, as though she is made of plastic and acts as though she is made of lead. Andres Garcia appeared in lots of these types of things and virtually nothing else, thank god. Arthur Kennedy, I am afraid to say, is actually embarrassing to watch, giving a performance that will appeal to all fans of drunken acting. Stelvio Cipriani contributes an extremely weird score that shifts continually between Dr. Who moog effects and blaxploitation funk but, hell, it isn't very good.

This is the type of film that makes you want to watch Big Brother.

Matt Blake